Give Space to Understand and Process Your Grief

Processing loss requires time. We often rush to return to our familiar, comfortable state, but loss needs space for understanding and listening. When it comes to grief, it can be helpful to share with those who understand, empathise, actively listen, and, above all, are trustworthy.

As a therapist, I've noticed that when my clients avoid or bury the sadness that accompanies grief, it stubbornly and silently persists - like an irritating, low-level, relentless background noise, which doesn't go away.

The Story of Ria

Let me tell you about a client called Ria (not her real name).

After 60 years, she finally found a way to make space for her grief.

As our work developed, we discovered that the memory of her Dad, who was in poor health for much of Ria's childhood and passed away when she was a young teenager, had lain dormant for six decades.

Through our therapeutic encounter, Ria came to realise she had reached that point in her life where she could see time running out, and recognised she was developing fears of having to care for her spouse, much like she had watched her Mum care for her Dad.

Therapy helped Ria recognise that her spouse was not her Dad and she was not her Mum. Her fears were getting in the way of her current relationship, potentially causing a rift.

She also came to realise, through journaling and looking at the patterns which were emerging from her writing, that she had changed from the compliant and vulnerable person of yesteryear to the person she was now: an independent, confident, and perhaps more discerning adult.

Ria had changed.

When we reached the stage in therapy where we had unpicked the layers of her life and identified what was getting in the way of leaving her past behind, Ria was able to do her grief work.

As her therapist, I suggested she write a letter to her Dad.

Her grief had been suppressed and was now emerging, and having been given a space, demanded to be heard.

If Ria were to heal, the grief needed to be addressed. Writing that letter was hard and challenging for Ria. However, it also initiated the process of acknowledging a multitude of emotions that she had not been able to express.

In the letter, she recalled that, as a child, she noticed her Dad dropped his spoon in the soup, and she felt something was seriously wrong. But nothing was said. And as the disease took hold and her Dad became a diminishing yet still prominent figure in her life, she could find no sanctuary in her own home. So she left.

Grief and comfort can come from unexpected places. As was the case with Ria. In our final session, she described how she was listening to the radio when she heard a young girl talk about the death of her father three years earlier. Ria felt a connection with this youngster; perhaps Ria was relating to her younger self.

The young girl on the radio was able to take a year off from her studies and grieve, along with her Mum. And by going public, this young girl was able to help others in a similar situation. She had been permitted to give space to her grief.

Ria could not do it six decades ago, but she could do it now.

It's never too late to process grief.

Recognising Old Wounds

We also touched on the recognition and impact of the past grief of our ancestors who experienced their own losses but could not give them a voice. Ria came to see, through therapy, that her mother's anxiety when Ria was a child was likely connected to her Mum's previous loss of a child. Ria, in turn, recalled her anxiety about the early development of her own second child when her firstborn developed a life-limiting health condition.

Through this intergenerational process, Ria was able to relate and understand the challenges her Mum faced and the trauma her Dad had experienced when he, too, lost his own Dad at an early age.

Grief isn't just about the present; it also reveals old, unresolved wounds from the past, offering us a chance to process emotions buried long ago.

When we recognise patterns, we can both understand and show ourselves compassion for our own anxieties.

The sadness for Ria was that she could not talk to her Dad and didn't get to say goodbye, but perhaps he, 'like me, was a quiet, introspective depressive, too' as she reflected.

Now she could be busy facing her grief. She is making space for grief. She is also intending to share her letter with her sister. It can help to talk to someone who remembers the person for whom we are grieving.

Grief Demands Acknowledgement

As Ria's story shows, grief remains silently present. It doesn't disappear; instead, it often feels stronger and can lead to anxiety, emotional numbness, and unwelcome physical sensations.

Once we choose to face our loss directly, without judgment or resistance, we can truly begin to process the sadness and find freedom in doing so.

Ria's story shows that if we suppress our feelings and continue as if nothing has happened, the impact of the loss still awaits us. When we do this, the pain often resurfaces when we find ourselves in difficult situations again. Unresolved grief often becomes harder to address because more layers of loss have built up.

The feeling of loss, like any other emotion, needs to be fully experienced and integrated into our inner lives.

The Grief of Others

It's important to give space to our feelings, and when we do, we experience a range of emotions. Sometimes the sadness we feel isn't ours. We may be carrying the grief of past generations, those who came before us, their hardships and struggles, without the space or awareness to fully grieve.

Ria saw grief as something larger than herself, not just about her personal wounds but inherited emotions not yet expressed or discovered.

When emotions feel overwhelming, it's important to remember that we're not just processing our own grief but releasing something much more long-standing and deeper.

The Beauty of Grief

Grief is a reflection of love and evidence of how deeply we have loved. It signifies connection. It's important to remember that grief, in any form, isn't about 'getting over it.' It's about integrating the experience in a way that allows us to move forward with more presence, wisdom, self-awareness, and gratitude.

We need not fear grief when it re-emerges.

Like Ria, we just need to show grief some respect and give it some space.

Respect Grief and Give it Some Space